The Goat Speaks About Trump

 

goat-4

Oh, you humans are being silly again!  Time after time  I try to console you but much to my dismay, you persist in your mode of panic.

Your votes have been counted and numbers don’t lie. The United States of America has elected a new president. His name, I understand, is Donald J. Trump. He has been elected and yet he is much feared.  I hear he has the power to crash stock markets and leap tall buildings in a single bound!  He must be quite a character, this Mr. Trump.  Can you not give him a chance?

You may think such a request is strange, coming from me.  After all, I have been known to be the most liberal, freakish and foreign of goats. I myself am an immigrant, having fallen off a Mexican vegetable truck onto the streets of Chicago.

847d49b0604103c20e88ebd814a2f285

My owner, Mr. Sianis, was also an immigrant, from Greece. He even broke the plates to prove it!  Of immigrants and freaks and free-thinkers I am well acquainted.  So, I implore you, hear me out.   You should all be breathing a sigh of relief.

How so, you ask? The man Trump is a tyrant, a dictator, a misogynist, and a Nazi!  Well now.  Such paltry allegations have hardly been proven. They are mere opinions.  You must consider this:  For the very first time in the history of your country, you have finally elected a president who has no political nor military experience!  That very fact is most encouraging.  Can you not see?  All others that came before him had much of this so-called ‘political expertise’.  Oh yes. They had military know-how.  They had fund raising savvy.

They had charity involvement, Ivy League degrees, DC cronies, Wall Street cronies, special interest pals, Soros pals, Hollywood pals and apparently, a bazillion gazillion dollars to throw away on hateful advertisements!

And yet somehow, your ‘experienced’ politicians only managed to lead you into MORE wars. How do you explain this?

iraq_troops-pd

Your experienced politicians also managed to increase your cultural divides,  pass silly laws such as NAFTA, and dissolve sensible laws such as Glass-Steagall.  They have managed to close your factories, raise your taxes and make higher education quite impossible for your young people.

If you but take a look around and observe what has happened in your world you will see I am correct.

occupy-pd

These ‘experienced’ politicians are, I daresay, experienced solely in destroying the life of the average human being.  And though I am merely a goat, I am most fond of you humans.  I will not have you destroyed!

I plead you, give the man Trump a chance.  If, in four years you  find yourself in the same situation, all hope will be lost.  It will then be myself, Murphy the goat, who will be forced to serve in your White House!  And I shall do it.

goat-patriot

Until then, keep calm and count your blessings.  Be compassionate.  Forgive.  Above all love each other, for love can overcome a great deal of fear.

humanity-pd

The Goat Speaks

 

white-goat-pd

Oh, you silly, silly humans. Why all the nail biting, my dears? Clearly, at the beginning of this World Series, I promised you I would lift the curse.  I signed the agreement with my hoof print, did I not?

Now, a goat such as myself may possess a good deal of deceptive qualities. But one thing I guarantee is my sincerity!  A promise is a promise and I, Murphy the Billy Goat, namesake of the Billy Goat Tavern and former pet of Mr. William Sianis, am as good as my word.

The question of the Cubs winning was never in doubt.

What’s that you say? The rain? Yes, of course I sent the rain! And with it I brought a seventeen minute game delay.

rainout

There was a method to this madness, for it allowed the players to contemplate their fate. They regained their bearings and therefore could more fully appreciate their win! A well earned victory is far sweeter than a gain not toiled for.  And so it was,  I stretched that game out to all of ten innings, allowing the Cubs their spoils at just one mere point above their competitors!

What’s that you say? The suspense nearly killed you?  Well now. Surely you can guess, it is my good pleasure to watch humankind sweat. I delight in seeing you on the edge of your seats!  You are, after all, such naive creatures.  I cannot help but toy with you.  And yet, would you not agree, I created a most memorable situation? This is a game that will be etched in your minds for all of eternity.

In the end, the curse is broken. One hundred and eight years of bad luck has been ended at my bidding.

World Series Cubs Indians Baseball

Oh, you need not thank me.  Just remember me for what I am —  a most honorable goat. I have but one request. I ask you never place me in ridiculous circumstances ever again. Leave me out of your ball parks!

Do not prop me upon your bar stools!

curse-of-the-billy-goat

Do not make an advertisement of me! For the love of the cloven hoof, GIVE ME MY DIGNITY!

Instead allow me the peace of my barn and companionship of my fellow animals.  If you do so, I will watch over your Cubs  and give them cause for celebrations in many years to come. They are a young team, new in their history. They may have a most bright future.

I, the honorable Murphy, will serve them well.

** NOTE ** Read Murphy’s original story and promise here.

blackphillip.jpg.CROP.promo-xlarge2

Billy Goat and the Cubs

 

william-sianis-billy-goat-pd

My owner, a gentleman by the name of Mr. William Sianis, was a kind enough soul, albeit an opportunist. Never one to miss the spotlight, he was flamboyant and prone to anger. He valued me above all else, for I was a novelty, a curiosity and of course a money maker.

“A goat?” Mr. Sianis would say. “A goat gives milk. A goat gives cheese. A goat is a friend!  What is not to like in a goat?”

He was in fact so fond of me that he named his establishment after my species: The Billy Goat Tavern. It was quite a catchy name and drew in much business, especially since he often propped me upon a bar stool and fed me beer.

curse-of-the-billy-goat

In those days, you see, we had no such organizations as PETA nor the ASPCA. Animals were mere servants to humankind. If occasionally we rebelled, who could blame us?

My owner was obsessed with me to an unnatural degree. He had his beard trimmed in a goatee to match mine. He changed his name from William to ‘Billy Goat’ Sianis.  He took me with him on various sojourns around the town.  It was not unusual for me to be seen on my leash at the grocery store or the distillery. He took me upon cable cars and to the occasional social event.  And so I suppose he did not think it peculiar in the least when he chose to bring me to a baseball game.

cubs-billy-goat

The city of Chicago was enmeshed with stockyards back then, the slaughterhouses of my dear sister cows and brethren pigs.  The stench of dead animals was commonplace. Though not desirable, all had grown somewhat accustomed to it.  And so, on that fateful day of October 6, 1945, when my owner saw fit to bring me to Wrigley Field for the World Series game, he had no inkling that his fellow attendees would complain about my smell.

Yet complain they did. We had barely entered the park and taken our seats at the bleachers when some spectator took it upon himself to shout:  “That goat smells baaa-aahhd! Take it out!”

Humankind, I suppose, are amused by their own crude puns.  As for myself I had no interest in being there.  I am hardly what one would call a ‘baseball fan’. The bleachers are most  uncomfortable seats for a fellow like me. I would vastly prefer a barn with some fresh bales of hay or tin cans to munch on.  And so when I was ordered to leave I would gladly have gone peaceably. If nothing else, it would end the ridiculous charade.

My owner, you see, was merely using me as a prop. I provided free advertizing for the Billy Goat Tavern.  (In later years the advertizing would go nation wide when a man named Belushi would immortalize the the tastiest meal on the menu: ‘Cheezeborger’.)

However, on that day, upon hearing the comment, Mr. Sianis became most offended. He had paid my way after all. I had a ticket just like any other customer.  William refused to remove me.  In fact he became so belligerent that the Field owner, one Mr. P.K. Wrigley, appeared in person to formally order us out.

Poor Mr. Sianis was highly insulted. So much so that he laid a curse upon the ball team. “The Cubs!” he shouted. “They ain’t never gonna win no World Series no more!”

And they never have. At least not yet.

Seventy one years has passed since that day. It has been chiefly for my own amusement that I have kept the curse active.  You may doubt my power, but I bid you not forget my long standing association with the ancient Dark Lord.

goat-god-pd

It has been grand entertainment to observe  the past century, as this team  has periodically come so close to winning, only to be thwarted by some small mistake. My favorite stunt was in  1969 when I sent a black cat to cross their path  in the dugout.

cubs-black-cat-pd

That year the Cubs lost the World Series pathetically to the New York Mets.

For many seasons the beloved but ever-losing Cubs have suffered defeat.  But now, in 2016 I am growing rather weary of this prank. If any debt was due me it certainly has been paid.

It occurs to me that my owner is long dead.  Mr. P.K. Wrigley is also long dead. Players have been changed and traded and interspersed so many times, the Cubs are scarcely the same team anymore. And so. From where I stand I believe I’d like to see the Northsiders finally take their long deserved win.

With all due apologies, I officially deem this curse lifted. It was only ever artificial  to begin with. There is but one remaining question:

Chicago Cubs, wouldst’ thou like to live deliciously?

goat-dancegif

**NOTE**   Folks living outside of Chicago might not know that this story is actually true!  Read more here.

The late, great John Belushi created a hilarious skit on Saturday Night Live to spoof the real Billy Goat Tavern.

GO CUBBIES!!!!!!!

cubs-pd-2